this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
