I haven't been this sober since birth.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
