I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
