i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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