i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
