More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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