My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
