i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
