I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
