oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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