What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
