A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
