I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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