What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
