He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
