and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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