at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
