shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
