stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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