I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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