theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
