my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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