mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
