in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
