I'm pants shitting drunk right now
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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