If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
