Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
