was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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