and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My vagina is officially offended.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize