took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
