party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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