the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He felt like a one man threesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
3 2 1 whiskey
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
