My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
