you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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