She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize