trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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