do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
