Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
