There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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