Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
