I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
