Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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