He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize