dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
