You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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