Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
