If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
