Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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