How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
