He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Houston, we have a blender
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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