I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
