She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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