Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
