i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You pole danced in your parka.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
