I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
