There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
