Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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