I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize