she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
