Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
